There are 2 reasons I was inspired to write this post; 1. Because WordPress in all its wisdom suggested some ideas for blog posts and I went with option 5, Indecision, 2. Because I recently saw this article about the famous fashion vlogger Zoella, who suffers badly with chronic anxiety (much like myself) and filmed herself having a panic attack. Pretty brave for sure. And 3. Because it’s Mental Health Week and plenty of my friends have also suffered from these complaints.
Anxiety is generally that ‘fight or flight’ feeling you get when you’re prepping for exams, doing presentations at work or meeting new people for the first time.
Mine happens all the time – when I go to bed, when I wake up, when I’m driving, when I’m at work, when I’m reading, when I’m writing my blogs, when I’m running… You get the idea.
It’s a constant. Something that won’t disappear no matter how many drugs I take, how much exercise I do or how happy I am. There’s always the worry that something is going to catastrophically, 100% going to go wrong. This is why I’m really surprised that I enter so many running races. The sheer anxiety should kill me off. But it doesn’t.
My stomach is in knots, I can’t sleep properly, my mind wanders off at any given moment (even at times when I should be fully concentrating like when I’m driving), my jaw hurts from constantly being on edge and tense. I’ve tried the pills, the exercise, yoga, mindfulness, deep breathing, writing everything down, going on holiday, reading and plenty more things that were suggested. But it doesn’t seem to shift.
Running and exercise seem to lighten the symptoms and for a time I do feel ok. But if I can’t get out and do exercise, my anxiety gets even worse. But what, I hear you ask if causing this anxiety? Answer? Who knows.
My life is pretty awesome; I have an amazing family, awesome friends, good job, lovely boyfriend who gets my anxious moments and plenty of exciting things to come in the future. But no, my little anxiety gremlin is not happy about any of this. But I am.
Whether my gremlin likes it or not, I’m going to continue to try different ways of keeping my anxieties at bay. I might be undecided about a lot of things thanks to its presence in my life but I’m certain that all of these guys help to make it better. They’ve supported me through plenty and continue to support me through my running even though they think I’ve got a touch of the crazy (which I suppose they’re technically not far off)
Either way, like Zoella, I won’t be defeated by my mental health stuff and if anything, it fuels my need to do more and more awesome things. Like entering half and full marathons for fun obvs…